This journal entry was from June 17th 2015. I like sharing my journal entries (in full or in part) from time to time after they have had time to sit on my heart for a while. Sharing journal entries too soon can feel like pulling a scab off of a wound too soon, exposing something that is still raw. It has been almost a year since I wrote this entry and although it is still tough to share at times, I have found that sharing has been so much more healing than anything else I have done since Ryann passed. I thank all of those who have continued to support my husband and me through our healing journey and who continue t remember our sweet daughter. Evelyn Ryann, this is for you.
This time last year we were all holding our breath and willing you with all our beings to stay in my womb as long as possible. Even before coming into this world, you were the catalyst that created a force of energy greater than any I have ever known. It has been proven that prayer, meditation and the like can produce energy- and you had so many people praying, thinking of you, sending love, hope and positive energy and even coming together to show support and love. You were such a force of energy and love and you were still inside of me; we had not even gotten the chance to meet you face to face. I think about you every single day. Sometimes the thoughts drive me, energize me, inspire me and give me the energy to move forward, carrying you with me. Other days the thoughts bring me t tears and all I want to do is come home, lie in bed, close my eyes and dream about you. I get angry and bitter when old friends become pregnant or give birth to a new little girl or boy. I have to fight back the negative emotions when I see milestone and birthday photos, first day of school, father-daughter dances, mothers day celebrations… A few nights ago I sat down on the porch after your dad went inside, I closed my eyes and let in the sound of the crickets and the frogs and the movement of the lake as the wind blew through the trees and I was brought back to Kamp Kiwanis, back to a time before I ever really knew I would want a child or even that it would be possible to marry a man as amazing and wonderful as your father- a time when I was just a child and my worries did not extend past bed times and sunburns. I was taken back to campfires and singing those songs that I then was able to share with you, starting when you were only the size of a peanut in my belly… I wanted so badly to be able to share them with you, to sing them to you as I rocked you to sleep… That night as Isat on the porch I did just that, I sang them to you and hope you heard them. I love you baby girl and think of you every day…
“One day when the weather was cloudy and gray, How I wished someone would come over and play. I heard a knock-knock and I opened the door, and there stood the loveliest big dinosaur.
Me and my dinosaur, I’ve never had such a friend before. As big as a house, 20 times and a half, and fifty times taller than any giraffe. Legs long as sequoia trees, teeth big as piano keys, no two people are buddies more, than me and my dinosaur.
We hop-scotched to Africa quick as a breeze, while leapfrogging over the coconut trees. And when we got thirsty, mile after mile, with one great big gulp we jut drank up the nile.
Legs Long as sequoia trees, teeth big as piano keys, no two people are buddies more than me and my dino – nothing as fine as me and my dinosaur.”